amberPac

I know it's not enough to say I'm wrong

You know that I will miss you now you're gone

I know it's not your life to see this through

Just know that in my heart, it beats for you

So leave a little note for me behind

I swear I have to know the reasons why

This won't survive

But if you fall back into my life

I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside

Telling me to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life

I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by

I could never leave this world undone

I want to be your only one..

And now it's not the same with you away

Just holding onto hope to save my days

I won't survive

So just stay with me tonight, and try

But if you fall back into my life

I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside

Telling me to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life

I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by

I could never leave this war unsung

I want to be your only one..

But if you fall back into my life

I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside

Telling me to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life

I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by

I could never leave this world undone

I could never leave this war unsung

I want to be your only one..

Courtesy of Amber Pacific.

sighing..

Hell of a day yesterday was. A total disastorous day. TOo many turns of unfortunate events, so many bad news to adapt to. Its juz freakin stressful and depressive for me to take. And juz got to noe Dad was warded into hospital a few days ago but thank God he's orite. Was discharged earlier tis morning.

Woke up tis morning wif a fever and totally bad headache. Luckily got the day off from work which i solemnly need. So took the time off to update things online. This is my big break aft a long time.

But somethings missing. I'd been feeling depressed and empty, and even incomplete for sometime now. Its too hard for me to tink of wat it is. But i noe i dunt want tis. Perhaps im bothered, tat i worry or think too much but HECK! Its alot to bear and it wont juz slipped away as though nothing will happen. Someone else will bound to see the clearer pict as wat im seeing.

Im not asking too much.

i want to tell her..


BUT i cant seem to find the words!


It juz wunt come out from my mouth.


GOD, i dunt wanna lose her again!

...well.

damn.. its been a mth since i actuali updated tis tings. too many things happened thru tis process. but i dunt reali noe where to start. lol.. (its always the same thing)

well anw, i juz got a chest x-ray the other day at the hospital. Nothing serious, juz a sore. it went way back from a lil accident 3 weeks ago while playing soccer. Got knee-capped to the ribcage/chest area. cldnt breathe for 2-3 seconds then got evact to the Med-ctr. But im orite now, the x-ray films showed no signs of trouble. juz need to endure the sore abit more there.

hmm.. yeah and the back-to-back training frames started. its gotta be a hectic mth. lotsa shitload coming up.. oh and yeah, an old fren's here.. but i still havent met up wif him to chat. probably soon b4 he goes back home.

btw.. got news tat my tour will end slightly later coz my replacement got delayed. dunt noe the exact date yet. but i have a hunch i might be spending my b'day here. sigh... and lol!

wey...

it has been a week oreadi since i landed back here.. quite hectic week i wld say. Havent got a full day of break/rest yet. but hey, tats working life as a damn pathetic soldier in BD.

Anw tis past few days, i cldnt get much peaceful sleep.. Maybe its the wind. LoL!

Oh yeah btw.........

You're looking at the runner-up of Lakiun's BachelorS: Mr Hot & Sexy!! (as voted by our fellow lakiunians!)

And of coz i got a very emotional yet memorable award. The Most Inspirational award.
I was very very honoured to have received it coz its a specially rare award to be handed to perm staffs. And u cant hardly guess wat its for......

Coz i quit smoking. Yes! Quit smoking. =)

Ok im proudly boasting it but cant help it guys... It juz shows tat every lil effort put in, counts as the biggest effort for others to behold.

Cool eh!

its tat time..

2 weeks passed.. juz like a speeding car.

An hour to go b4 i have to leave for the airport. I'd never felt so alone. So bored. So very shitty feeling! I dont wish to go back, but i have to. Its like.. wat im yearning for, isnt complete yet but then my time ran out.

I had a great 2wks break, but its not enuff. Yeah they always say nothing is enuff. Sigh.... I'll do anything to see her rite now. I noe tat wld reali help ease my mind. But she cant.

im juz looking forward to my return again.

and at that time, i wanna start over everything. Refresh my life, my studies, my career too. But not b4 i do THAT one thing i need to do.

Waiting for that Fallen-Star~!

14march..

juz wen things look to fall into place again, i juz had to break them all over again.. why Syam!? u idiot... damn! i screw almost everything up, and wats worst, juz wen im bout to go back Brunei for another shitty 3 mths! im guilty!! i cant even tink of other things except the fact tat i broke her trust... and i will never forgive myself for doin tat!

Juz for once, will someone juz beat the senses out of me..! Stop me from breaking her heart. I don't wanna lose her, not again.

3yrs!

She juz recovered from her illness today. Got warded in ystrday and today she was discharged @ noon. it cld have been better, but it cld be alot worst too.. but luckily shes fine now, all safe and soundly aslp at home at tis time.

its actuali our 3 years anniversary/friendship today! Yeah.. such loads of memories we've had all these while. =) But we cldnt reali celebrate much coz she was sick. Not wat we both expected in mind, but hey its all still good. Im not complaining! LoL! I'll settle wif juz being wif her anw. So i went to hospital wif the parents to fetch her home, and make her all comfy and such. The least i can do is give her good time even if she juz recovered and cant go out rite... But hells! u all dunt be thinking watever by the statement! hehhe...

So anw today went to have a lil family dinner outside.. Bone Steak man!! hahah... its been like ages we havent had them. ANd today was juz rite; everyone was there, and the ambience was perfect and all were enjoying themselves etc... it goes on. but too bad we cldnt dragged on thruout the nite. besok semue keje beb! =D

to start it all...

for the first time since.. forever.. i been diverting my fullest concern towards others than myself! ok not trying to sound terrible, but i guess its true in my case. I betrayed my own self-absorbent feeling and cared bout other ppl. LOL! And im loving everything bout it....~!

well lets cut to the chase aight.

Caught up wif my 2 all-time fav buddies tis past few days, juz living the old good times! aft for so long, its juz reali damn great to de-stress ourselves again by juz 'chill-out-but-do-nothing'! Hahah...! But heck its wat we do best!

Aft that, of coz i wunt forget family times.. Straight up, TOP PRIORITY! ANd always the best of all the lot wen u juz share all sorts of silly tings that had been goin about.

Well apart from those, i stl have the times wif my 'Ms Sunday'! I guess i dunt have to write further than tat, coz i prefer it to be discreet for now. =)

But im wishing for situations to be much much better.. and hopefully its something happy.

Btw, im praying for u to get well pretty pretty soon k. Dunt want u to miss out on the world!

Hehehkz..~Lastly to you..

Indigo Lima Oscar Victor Echo Yemen Oscar Umpire!

homecoming..

Im finally back home! but fer only a couple of weeks, b4 i have to return to Brunei to finish off my last 3 mths there. But Heck i juz wanna have fun now!

So hey i arrived at the airport ystday approx 1000 hrs and cldnt stop thinking bout wat i wanna do and where i wanna go oreadi.

And yeah, was very excited bout seeing her for the first time aft 6 whole gruelling mths. AND didnt expect to see my adik there wif her too.. Lol! I still love u both though!

Kinda spent the rest of the day wif them, went out to eat and caught a movie too! Things picked up pretty well for me and her btw. Thought it might be awkward, but its actuali not that bad. I missed her damn much man, so shoot me if u must!

Well i was reluctant to end the day early ystday, but i had to. Got a home to come to. I didnt wat else to do wen she reached out her hand to shake mine. But next ting i knew, i hugged her! The exact same way wen i did 6mths ago.

And i kissed her head. It was as though everything was picture perfect all of a sudden!

I might not know wat shes feeling, but i noe wat i am feeling. Such a strong feeling for her. I wanna tell her so, but im juz waiting for the right moment for us!

I tink tis cld be a perfect Home Leave!

so it moves on...

to date...

it comes to tis where i shld juz moved on. tough as it is, it has to be tis way.

she has start off something new, so its fair tat she did wat she needs to do.

im not holding anything back but if tis is the rite choice by letting her go, then so be it.

Truth hurts too deep. God it feels like kryptonite actuali! but wtf rite. I dunt hate her...

I juz dunt wanna see her.

All i noe rite now, im coming back home for 2 weeks for my deserved break.. Juz me by myself.

I tink im ready for it. I guess... Well i'll see u back home!

till today..

Perfection never existed.

Thank you for loving me.

My life ends here.

....

aft wat goes on btwn our convo ystdy, maybe i realise tat watever changes tat has taken place may not be to our likings. But it eventually has to happen bcoz its obviously impossible to stay the same. i changed.. she changed.. and everyone changes their ways without realizing it.

For her: its bcoz im afraid of changes, it wat makes wat i am today.. Paranoia, misery and even depressions twirling inside my brain all at one time! And i noe u had to live on ur life, and adapt to a whole new kind of frens altogether. It juz doesnt make sense why im always the one thinking otherwise.

Yeah, perhaps i reali do need to take one thing at a time. Perhaps im reali too free to conjure on other things except my own well being. Wat im feeling rite now, no one will understand. Not until im ready to spill all the beans and scream my lungs out! Rite now, i juz wanna do wat i do best.

Hibernate.

a late start..

late start to the new year.. nothing to feel excited bout i guess. i mean, tis place is full of shitty workload, and never bout enjoyment. NEVER! Not even on 'OFF' days. All we cld do here is splurge till we dry out, and thats the only form of entertainment. Back home, ppl are enjoying the lifetime. Tsk tsk.. if u ppl back in singapore tink u are going thru hell, then i say screw it! Try being here away from home for 9 fucking mths! Try being in OUR shoes and then complain! Coz damn it i swear u shld start appreciate ur lucky stars ur not in our place..!!

Oh im sorie, was i being too harsh here... Well fuck! i dunt care cos no one does care bout wat do or say anymore anw...!! Im being heartless!?! Damn rite i dunt have one now!

Thats us here in Brunei, all gearing up for Hari Raye Haj~! Juz miss them all back in Singapore.. Here we have MOST of the amazing bachelors, so if theres any interested parties plz do call.. he accept Paypals, Credit Cards and Cash!

hey hey civilisations!!!

muahahhaha...! im back for the moment. basically tings are picking up pretty well here in Brunei. its nice here. except for the weather and the slow pace, everyting else is juz orite. alot of u guys might be wondering how im here doin. its orite i guess. its been a mth now, and im not complaining much bout the surroundings and frens here. its like big crazy happy family, from the way i look at it. though its noting compared to home, i feel quite homely here. i mean, i have almost anything i need here. the others are a diff story of coz. i wish i cld explain more, but i'll do it another time. for now, u guys juz keep tagging me and i'll get back aight.. peace out!

One Day Remains...

Tmrw's the day.. Yikes! well i guess one day remains for me to enjoy it here.. so i tink tis is wat the feeling is like to be serving the nation, but without being in ur country! Oh wells, a Man's Gotta Do What a Man's Gotta Do~! Ok tat line earned me 9 mths away from home though... LOL!

Anw, tis past few weeks i reali enjoyed my time wif the family, my relatives, frens, my best bud, my dearest and some old frens too. Juz a lil more memories to be storing b4 i fly off. THough i wld like to have spent more time, but wth time is never anyone's ally.

So even the less time spent, still wanna let the bunk guys noe tat BRAVO rules! and u guys are never forgotten. For my best bud, im expecting to see ur CD out by the time i come back aight! And the rest of my close frens, i'll simply miss u ppl and hope to see wen i get back!

Lastly my Angel!
Strength is wat lies inside of u, so i need u to let ur inner strength be ur fren for tis time we gonna spend away from each other. No doubt by, im reali gonna be missing u loads, and tinking of u everytime! It not easy... Its never easy anw to be leaving and not in tis manner but remb wat we'd talked bout all tis while. I noe i'll see u one last time tmrw b4 my flight. I guess i juz leave it to tmrw k..

ticking down...

well tis is it almost it.. time is ticking away and im less than a week to spend time here wif family frens and loved ones. im feeling more and more anxious bout it. i've been spending time wif almost everyone i noe, juz to catch up wif them for at least the last time b4 i fly off, and of cos not hoping it wld be the last. frankly i nvr thought of tis feeling till today. damn! juz imagine, couple of weeks ago i didnt noe bout anything till the news came smacking rite to my face. oh well, reality check man! surely i dunt tink its tat bad.. saying farewell to ppl here for 9 mths isnt tat much of an issue rite. its wat im benefiting from there is wats impt. anw, likewise, tink im juz gonna hang arnd here bit more..

as the time comes...

well it isnt reali such a hype week.. nothing much to brag bout. it was meant to be my last week in camp anw. i got the whole 7 days leave tis upcoming week and i havent thought much bout it yet. Juz so maybe im not so eager to fly off juz yet.. Yeah for those whu dunt noe yet, im leaving soon. Leaving for Brunei for 9mths, and i havent plan wen i'll come back. Its part of my SAF Overseas attachment, so yeah.. dunt reali have much of a choice, though i'll look forward to the experience there. Started to realize how much i'll miss home, family, friends and even my Nurul. I noe it'll come down to tis one day. Never thought it'll be so soon. And it had to come down to Ramadhan.. Im sure i'll miss Raya wif my family and frens back home! But im also sure it wunt be that bad rite..? I mean perhaps theres always a pros and cons for everything. But juz wat wld it be for this......

Aft all tis....

its been too long since i did tis rite here.. theres been too many things happening anrd me these past few mths, i dunt noe where to start. I'll juz update on the important ones in my life.!!!

[SINGFEST 2007]

I went to SINGFEST last mth.. It was way off the chart i tell u. 100 bucks for 10 kick-ass bands performing their hits here in Singapore! Damn, it was worth every penny i spent man. Juz me and my Aru, rocking our asses off from 1pm till 1 am.. YEAH \m/! If u guys didnt catch it.. U ppl missed the single best greatest show alive!

[BOATMAN COURSE]

Oh yeah for all of u noe i juz finish my 3 weeks boatman course under the SAF.. its part of the training for me to go for my overseas posting as driver/boatman in Brunei. Yea alot might be wondering why in the hell i need to learn a freaking boat wen im a driver. Frankly, i dunt noe but all i can say is, i had tons of fun outsea, and training to operate the aasault boats itself. But the tedious part wld always be the launching and de-launching of the freaking heavy assault boats. PHEW! Trust me, u dunt wanna be the one doin all that if ur those weaklings who cant take the weights under scorching sun for hours. And im out-tanned myself there. LOL!

[J DA's PERFORMANCE/ABG KHAIRIE's BBQ PIT]
Last week i saw my best buddy a.k.a my best guitarist performed @ Esplanade Waterfront! Wif his new band J DA (a.k.a Danielle), they simply rock the whole house down! Nice work man.. Glad u made it tis far, even for the fame or fortune. I noe u'll keep doin tat till ur fingers cant take anymore plucking of the strings. LOL! So aft the whole performance, we head back to Changi Beach where we stayed over the night for Abg K's bbq. Plenttyy of delicious food and fun ppl arnd so it wasnt that boring aft all. Screaming and noise-making in the mid of the nite was still our trademaq! hahahhhakz.. End of the day, we juz glad we got home safe and sound, to sleep the whole day!!! lmao...!